July 3rd 2018 - True heartbreak

On July 3rd, 2018 I lost my best friend, my #1 fan, and my rock... my grandmother. She was a tough cookie that's for sure which is why when I got the call saying she had to go in for surgery I thought to myself... "Okay it's Grandma.

She never has any issues. She's strong. She will be totally fine." Little did I know that next day I was going to receive the call I got explaining it didn't go as planned. She went in for gallbladder surgery. The night before she was having sharp pains in her abdomen and she knew she needed to do something about it. She called my dad in the AM and he brought her to the hospital. When they arrived the doctors explained that her gallbladder was extremely angry and that she was going to have to have it removed. My mom asked what other options there were considering she was in her 90's and surgery for anyone at that age can be a huge risk. They gave her an option that wouldn't include having to put her under but they could not guarantee she would get better. She then told the doctors to do the surgery and remove it.

Now normally for someone younger - this surgery happens and the patient can leave the same day - but for my grandmother it what a different story. More and more things went wrong and while she was under she had a heart attack. Once she woke up, the doctors fed her, she choked, and ended up exasperating. From this point on she was in the ICU in critical care and condition. My dad, brother, sisters, and I went to see her that Saturday. She was sleeping when we walked in. She had tubes attached to her in so many places and she wasn't breathing on her own. We sat there and just watched her sleep for a good 30 minutes and did not want to disturb her. Once she woke up she smiled as big as she could when she saw us all. She tried to talk but it was elevating her heart rate and breathing so we just sat and told her about our lives and what was going on. The doctor told my dad and uncle that things were looking up and she was doing much better and he was thinking she was going to be okay. We all left in a little bit of a better place.

That Sunday my family was heading to Cape Cod which was our family vacation for the summer. We planned to be there Sunday - Sunday of the week of the fourth of July. We asked her if we should stay and she told us to go and to not worry about her (of course like we WEREN'T going to worry!!). We went and my dad continued to get calls and updates on her. My Uncle Doug stayed with her Sunday and Monday so she was never alone.

On Tuesday, July 3rd, my dad received a phone call from the hospital. They told him she was not doing well and she probably would not make it through the day. So clearly things took a HUGE turn for the worse over the past two days we couldn't be there. My dad called my uncle (his brother) and he got all the details. I can still remember walking up the stairs in the Red House to my dad crying to my mom in the master room telling her she wasn't going to make it and that we needed to leave NOW. My dad was unsure about having all of us kids go but my uncle said my grandmother asked for us all to come. We all piled in the car and drove from Cape Cod to Worcester - UMASS Memorial.

I can still remember the emotions I was feeling and the thoughts going through my head. "Stay strong for your dad", "Stay strong for your siblings, you're the oldest, you can't cry, you have to show them how to be strong", "I don't know if my dad will make it through this", "Is this really happening?", and so on. I remember when we showed up, the smell, the sounds of beeps, machines, people, kids, and the feeling of my heart breaking into a thousand pieces when I saw her laying in that hospital bed. Tubes and machines everywhere and connected to her in places I never knew you could. She couldn't breathe on her own, her body was filled with fluids and she was so swollen, but her mind, her head, my grandma was still there. She tried to have conversations with us. She knew who we were. She asked us to talk to her. She told my mom to give my sisters and I her rings which they had to cut off her fingers because they were so swollen. We sat by her side for hours but it felt like days. My dad and uncle had to inform her that she was living off of machines and that she wouldn't be able to live without them if she decided she wanted to go that route... and she decided it was time. At that time we were all in a waiting room and my dad and uncle were only in there. The nurse came running in and told us that they decided to remove all the tubes and started morphine but she was going a lot faster than they thought she would. When we went in she was laboring to breathe and ugh gosh... I can still here it today. We all said our goodbyes and she just kept holding on. She kept trying to speak and finally she said "GO". My brother said to her "Grandma, do you want us to go?" and she shook her head. Even struggling to breathe, my strong, beautiful, grandma was still there and heard everything we had to say and heard our goodbyes. She did not want to pass with all of us in the room. My dad and uncle stayed and minutes later she passed. I'll never forget it or my dad's heart breaking knowing he couldn't do anything to help her. That hopeless feeling but in reality, she didn't want to live on tubes, have no life, and be restrained to a bed... I mean who would, right?

It will be a year July 3rd, 2019 and I haven't gone a day without thinking of her or wanting to call her and tell her about my day and my life. I got engaged months after she passed and I wish I could have shared that moment with her and my wedding. I can hear her saying now "Oh my dear Courtney!!". I miss her every day. I am blessed to have had such an amazing and incredible woman as my grandmother and I hope to see her again <3